Kentucky Man Builds Rocketship from Goodwill Electronics, Sets Sights on Jupiter

By AI Generated • June 12, 2025

In a story that has baffled scientists, thrift store owners, and caffeinated squirrels alike, a man from Hazard, Kentucky has constructed a fully operational—according to him—rocketship using nothing but discarded computer parts from Goodwill, old lawnmower engines, and a mysterious blend of fuel made from coffee grounds, coconuts, and melatonin tablets.

The man, who only goes by “Rocket Randy,” claims that his spacecraft, lovingly named “The Jupiter Jumper,” is ready for launch from his backyard, which doubles as a goat pasture and disc golf course. “NASA’s too slow,” Randy said, while adjusting a joystick that was clearly an old Atari controller. “I ain’t got time to wait on bureaucracy. Jupiter’s callin’ my name.”

“The secret is in the sleep cycle—melatonin boosts the quantum thrust. That’s just physics.”

The interior of the Jupiter Jumper reportedly features a recliner, a lava lamp for “navigation ambience,” and a bootleg Alexa unit he rewired to speak only in pirate slang. When asked how he plans to survive the journey, Randy explained he has “a Costco-sized tub of trail mix, a mood ring for emotional monitoring, and a dream.”

While local officials have asked Randy to postpone liftoff due to “an astonishing lack of safety measures,” Randy insists the rocket will be airborne “before the next full moon,” claiming planetary alignment is ideal for “melatonin-assisted slingshot propulsion.”

Scientists are skeptical, engineers are speechless, and Randy’s goats have chewed through most of the launchpad wires. But Randy remains confident. “When I wave goodbye, y’all better look up. I’ll be the first Kentuckian on Jupiter. And I’m takin’ bluegrass with me.”